I'm stressed out.
I don't even know what to say. I just haven't blogged in a while, and I felt like I should.
Even though nobody even reads this thing.
Last week someone close to me became somebody else. Not literally. Just in my head. I feel like I don't know that person anymore. I know in my head that's not true, and I also know in my head that it's about them and not about me. Yet still I feel like it's about me and I don't know them and it's hurting me. I want so badly to throw up all of my emotions about it onto somebody else and have help. At the same time, I don't want to talk about it, think about it, deal with it at all. Pretending like it didn't happen won't make it go away, but I'm still going to try. Why? Because I make no sense. And because I don't want anything to change. And if I deal with it I think things are going to change. Just like how this person has changed in my head. If I just forget what happened, eventually I'll forget that they changed in my head, and then they'll be the same as they always were to me, and it'll be like nothing ever happened... Living a lie is okay if everyone's happy right?
No. But whatever.
Also, I thought three days of school a week was going to be like a piece of cake or something. I didn't take into account that 10 and a half hours is a long time to be anywhere. And being in a place for 10 and a half hours for three days in a row really takes it out of you. I've been spending my weekends just trying to sleep. Spending time with my boyfriend and trying to sleep. That's all I do on my four day weekends so far. I feel exhausted. At least it's only a year. I'll probably get used to it pretty soon anyway. But for right now, I feel exhausted. And stressed out. And bluh.
Also, being in a place where I don't know anyone has really shown me how incredibly bad at making friends I am. Although, I'll give myself this: My class is ALL girls. I've never gotten along very well with girls. And girls who are in beauty school are pretty... well... girly. Oh well.
I'm tired.
So today I became a "no one" because I read this blog. Awesome.
ReplyDeletePeople are going to change in your head and in real life. This does not stop them from being people who are flawed before and after the change, and yet still loved by Jesus. Just like you. I have found that holding people to my expectations for their life ruins them and me.
Lastly, girly girls, though hard to befriend, can actually be cool. I too am very bad at making friends. I love you and wish you all the Jesus Juice in the world in this endeavor. Jesus Juice can be equated with luck, only it includes prayer, hope, faith... love.
PS. see you Monday. Or Sunday? Or Tuesday? What day are you coming to sleep with me in the UDistrict.
I don't have school on Monday, so I'll be coming up Tuesday. :) Thanks Becca
ReplyDeleteI also read your blog, but I'm already a nobody so yeah. (inside joke!) I really don't like girly girls either so you have my sympthy...=P Thats about it. I suck at giving advice. But I love you!
ReplyDeleteaww babe. theres a lot of no ones who love you. and i know what you mean about people changing in your head and then, if u actually take the time to think about what happened and react to it, you will realize even more how much different they really are. but in reality, they didn't change. just the image that you had of them.
ReplyDeletei went through this with my dad, and its painful. i can't say i know exactly what you're going thru, because no one can know exactly that. and i think the farther into this you go, the more you will realize who that person is, and you will discover that you do love them, even tho they make mistakes and the perfect image you had of them has changed. they're still the same person.
i love you babe.
<3