and the Prodigal Son

I have contented myself to the fact that no matter how long I spend on this blog and no matter what I write, I will not be able to recreate the way that I felt last night. So I will just have to do my best and hope that whoever is reading this gets a glimpse of what happened to me.

A few weeks ago at youth group, Brian handed out sheets of paper with the story of the prodigal son on them, and he told us to read the story and then express our thoughts in some way. The story didn't have really any effect on me at all. I had heard it before, and nothing new really stood out to me. It has actually been bothering me off and on, because I've been thinking to myself, "All my thoughts about this are so cliche. There has to be something more to this story than just the obvious, because otherwise, this parable is pretty pointless."

Well last night I went to the Simpson gym to hear Jason Ostrander, my absolute hero, speak at Genesis. Seeing him was like being in a dream. In the summer of 2007 this man changed my life and my friendship with my best friend so drastically, there is no way that he could ever know. I talked to him for a few minutes this afternoon, and it was all I could do to keep myself composed until I walked away from him. I wish that I could give him a video of what I said on youth Sunday after I met him, so that he could understand a small part of what he has done in my life. When I talked to him this afternoon, he talked about what he did for me in a manner that said, "It was no big deal." I wanted to take him by the shoulders and shake him and say, "No-no, Jason, BIG DEAL."

But that is a whole different story. Back to the first one.

So last night I went to chapel to hear him speak, and what should he speak on but the story of the prodigal son. I have to admit, when he brought it up, I thought to myself, "Seriously? I finally get to see Jason after so long and he's talking about this?" But what he had to say literally changed my heart, and probably my entire life.

First he talked about the obvious--the "bad son" went out and was basically a stupid idiot. (As opposed to a smart idiot?) Then he came home, and dad was super happy to see him, and threw him a huge party. His brother, who was not a stupid idiot, was jealous because dad threw stupid-brother a huge party but never even threw good-brother a small party. Very, very obvious up to this point.

Then Jason threw me for a loop and said that the "good son" was really the prodigal son. He was the son who was lost.

I was like, "No Jason. That's false."

But good thing for me, Jason kept talking. I wish I could remember exactly what he said, because I'll never be able to say it as well as he did. But basically he said that the "good son", though he was with the father the entire time, did not get to experience his father's love. He didn't take advantage of his goodness.

EFF DANG. There is no way that I can describe what he said. I understand it in my head but I can't put it into words.

There are things in my life, very specific things, that I have been ashamed of for so long. That I would not and could not forgive myself for. That, at times, caused me to be unable to look people that I love in the face. I have spent so much of my time dwelling on those things and regretting those things and fantasizing about what my life would be like if I had not done those things.

This is the revelation that I received last night.

If my life were exactly the same except for the fact that what I am ashamed of had not happened, I would be more content. I would be able to believe that I am a good person without needing to be convinced of it. My heart would be less broken. My conscience would be less of a bitch. I would spend less time crying. I would feel more worthy to be in the presence of God. I wouldn't feel guilty when I sang His praises.

Also.

I would not have come to the end of myself. I would believe that I could handle myself. I would not have had to run back into the arms of my Savior knowing that I have nothing, I would not have been able to experience his mercy. I would believe in God and know that he is there, but I would not understand exactly what he has done for me. I would not have been able to watch him take what I am ashamed of, which he bought, which he rightfully owns, away from me.

If that had never happened, I would have missed Jesus.

It will never cease to amaze me that God can take something so horrible and so ugly and bring something good out of it.

This post does not do justice to the epic change in my heart. It just can't.