and the Definition of Love

I've been thinking an unusual amount lately.

I've been wondering about love. In other languages, there are many words that cover all the different meanings that we give "love." I love coffee, and I love my mom. I love shoes, and I love all my friends. I love LOST, and I love my dog. Obviously I love all of those things in different ways. The lack of a better word has never bothered me until recently.

There's one thing that I want to make perfectly clear before I even start this paragraph--I don't think that I'm "in love" with my boyfriend. We've been dating for three weeks. Some people think that they're in love after three weeks, and that's totally fine with me. But I've always tiptoed around saying that to my boyfriends, because I honestly have no idea what it means, and what makes it different from the love that I feel for my friends.

Today I realized that I have loved Jacob all my life. How will I know if it changes into a different kind? And then I wondered, how did I know with Kyle? Did I know with Kyle? Did I love him? I said I did. We dated for two years, so in my own mind I can deem it acceptable, but then I realize that I don't know. How do you know what that is? And this is where I begin to long for a different word to use. When I fall in love with someone, when I get married, I don't want to tell that man the same thing that I told Kyle. I want a different word. And I want to be able to tell Jacob that I love him without it being awkward. I used to tell him that all the time as one of my best friends, but suddenly now that he's my boyfriend, love means something different that I don't want to commit to.

I also realized today that I think a lot about my relationship with Kyle. I wonder how much is too much to think about that. I want so desperately for this relationship to be completely different from that one that I dwell on those thoughts and think about how I can make it different. As I'm typing this, I am thinking that all that matters is that Jacob is a different person than Kyle, and that in itself will make the relationship different. Plus the fact that between December and February I changed into a very different person than I used to be. I'm different from the Lillian that dated Kyle. So really there are two completely different people involved in this relationship than were involved in the one between Kyle and I. I want so much to avoid feeling that way again, and I want so much more to avoid making Jacob feel that way.

I really think I just need to stop worrying about it. My relationship with Kyle was completely unhealthy in every way. So far with Jacob, I've been doing my best to protect both of our hearts, and I know that he has too. So... I think it's just time for me to shut up and let it go.

It'll be fine.