and the Love of the Bean

A couple weeks ago, Pastor Jonathan talked a little bit in church about the season of Lent. As he was talking, God revealed to me that I need to give up coffee. Every time I'm craving a latte, I need to write in my prayer journal, or just say a quick prayer out loud or in my head. I'm really nervous.

I've been drinking coffee on a regular basis since I was nine years old. At this point, of course I wasn't financially responsible for myself, so I had to wait for my mom to buy me one, and I would enjoy every last drop of it. My senior year in high school, I became financially responsible for myself, and I decided that it was worth it to me to spend my money on a drink from Starbucks each day. I came to first period every single day with an iced latte in my hand. I was known for it. People were amused by the fact that they never saw me without a drink in hand. At Simpson, I made at least one trip to Starbucks each day--sometimes, more than one. And ever since I arrived home, I just carried on the habit.

I have experienced withdrawals one time, in junior high. I believe it was the eighth grade. My family was going through a bit of a financial struggle, so my mom had not bought me a coffee for over a month. I remember I was in band class, and I started to shake. My head began to hurt, and though I could see the notes on the page in front of me perfectly clearly, I couldn't comprehend them; they wouldn't make sense to me. The need for my "fix" completely overpowered me. That's the only time in my life that I've gone without a coffee long enough for it to have an effect on me--and that was when I was only having one or two a week. Now I have one or two a day.

It makes sense that this is what I need to give up in my life. I've never even thought about it until recently. Like within the past couple of days kind of recently. When I received the revelation that I needed to give it up, I hardly thought anything of it. But the past couple of days I've been thinking about exactly what is going to happen to me, and it has only just now become scary to me.

The need for coffee controls a significant amount of my life. When I am upset, the only thing that makes sense to me is to drive to Starbucks and get a drink. When I'm excited or happy, I go to Starbucks to celebrate. When I have a hard time waking up in the morning, I know that my little friend called espresso will help me out. It's like my alcohol. When I broke up with Kyle for the first time because he did something horrible, I was with a group of friends in Florida, and we were on a walk. I sprinted away from my group of friends (and as you probably know, I consider running to be the devil's greatest accomplishment) to a Starbucks a couple blocks away, ran up to the counter panting, and said these exact words: "Give me something with four shots in it, I don't even care what it is."

I was sixteen. Do you realize how ridiculous that is?!?! I have never realized how ridiculous that is until just now.

How much more productive could I be if every time I was feeling upset, I gave it up to God instead of to a latte? What if I celebrated the good times by praising my savior instead of sucking down a caramel macchiatto? In lieu of a two-pump white mocha to get my brain moving, why can't I ask God to prepare me for my day? There is so much that has happened in my life that I have shared with a cup of coffee instead of sharing with God. That quad grande latte knew that day that Kyle had lied to me and broken my heart. The triple grande caramel macchiatto was aware of my joy when I found out that Jacob liked me back. That java chip frappuccino with two extra shots on top knows of the stress that I'm trying to deal with. Did I even bother writing in my prayer journal about those things? Did I consider going to God for comfort? Or did I place my fate in a sixteen ounce plastic cup full of something that would leave me wanting more in a few hours?

I am scared for my health. I don't know what it is like to not have coffee flowing through me. It's like my blood... seriously. When I drink coffee, nothing happens to me. It doesn't affect me in any way. But I think that I'm dependent. When I stop drinking coffee, that's when the change happens. I am almost a hundred percent positive that at some point during this season of Lent, I will be physically sick in some way or another. I'm afraid for the people around me. When I told Jacob that I would be giving up coffee, he said in a joking manner, "Is there any way we could just not date for 40 days?" I chuckled a little at the joke, but seriously it would probably be better for people to just stay away from me. I have no idea what is going to happen. All I can do is trust in God that He will take away the cravings when I go to Him instead, that He will fill this space in my life that should have been filled by Him in the first place. All I can do is rely on God and hope and pray that pain won't be a part of the next 40 days for me. All I can do is hope it will be easier than I am anticipating.

Wish me luck--and pray for me a lot. I will be praying for all of the rest of you who have decided to give something up this year; I hope it is productive for all of you.